How A Monty Python Line (and The Surrender Experiment) Flipped My Switch

It’ll be hard to relay all that has happened in the past year in one blog post so I may not even try. Probably best to break it all into several posts!

Suffice it to say, reading Michael Singer’s book “The Surrender Experiment” was as life-changing and life-affirming as when I read Jett Psaris’ book “Hidden Blessings”. I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I last wrote. 

Tuesday morning of this week, I was feeling scared. I was feeling blocked and although I wasn’t freaking out and having panic attacks (like the week before), I was still feeling unsettled and uneasy.

You see, it was early morning at a 433 acre property called River Highlands Ranch and I was about to take a big step to become part of this gorgeous piece of land and to start realizing the dream of building The Healing Farm. This is big stuff. Stuff that brings up anxiety. Stuff that brings up self doubt. Stuff that brings up all my stuff.  

A friend who has known me for thirty years was with me on the property the previous week and we were trying to talk me through the fears and panic I was feeling about moving forward with all that had to be accomplished to continue the process of moving to this gorgeous land and figuring out the big financial puzzle that could help me realize my dream. It got to the point where she told me she was going to do an “I Ching” reading. I’ve definitely opened up to being accepting of anything that might help me through the process of following this crazy path I’ve chosen (thank you Oprah’s Super Soul Sundays!) and so I said it was a good idea. What came up was that I’ve been offered a big gift (true), but I don’t know how to move forward with it (also true). That I had to listen to myself to figure out where the blocks were and try to work through the blocks in order to let myself free to be guided down this path of accepting (or not) this gift. 

Now, I’ve always said the The Healing Farm will be non-spiritual, not too new-agey or hippie dippy and that’s all still true. I don’t ever want anyone to feel intimidated or judged for who they are and what they believe, but here I was sitting and contemplating what I had just been told and it was uncanny. I prayed and meditated on it the next couple of days and the panic started to lift and I started feeling more excited again about the process instead of fearful, but there were still all sorts of things that were tugging at me and bringing in the blocks. And then I went to see my mentor and she gave me a BIG reality check. And then I went to see some friends, drank too much wine and THEY gave me a big reality check. I was reeling again.

Saturday morning I was back in our “home” on Stone’s Throw Farm. It’s where we’ve spent the past year living in a 26 foot trailer. You can read about what got me here in this blog post link, but as rosy as the picture was that I wrote about last year, even though we made the trailer a home that we’ve grown to love, on a farm with people we’ve grown to love, the project for which we had come to the farm fell through RIGHT after I sent out my last THF newsletter (last August). It was two days after I got the news that we weren’t moving forward with the business plan and retreat center that the book a Healing Farm client told me about -  “The Surrender Experiment” landed in the mailbox.

I was reeling. I had moved from my beloved Bay Area, given up a rent-controlled single family home in Oakland, separated myself from the photography business I had grown for the last 15+ years and moved into a 26’ trailer with my 6’2” husband. And now I’d not only lost the project I had moved to devote the next 1, 2, 3 years of my life to, but also had lost my new job. Yowsa. What a blow and what a good time to receive THAT book and leave for a scheduled photo shoot at Rancho La Puerta at the end of that week. I decided that was the perfect place to read the book given RLP has been such a huge inspiration to me and my vision of The Healing Farm.

I had come to a place in my life where I was beginning to think I had lost my mind. Was I being selfish? Was I being naive? Was I being irresponsible? I had been trying hard, but mostly spinning my wheels the past few years trying to switch careers. Trying to follow an inner calling which kept coming up in the image of The Healing Farm, but which somehow kept slipping through my fingers: Was I not working hard enough? Was I lazy? These it turns out, these are all my blocks. This is my “stuff”.

So Saturday morning, present time, back at the trailer I woke up out of an unsettling dream. I was walking down a dirt path in bare feet. All I could see in the dream was the view from my eye’s perspective. I could see the path, I could see my bare shins and I could see my bare feet. Suddenly the path began to get muddy, but I kept walking. Then the path became mucky with large pools of muddy water. I stopped and could feel myself contemplating whether or not to move forward. I think I decided not to. Then I woke up.

Coming into Saturday, I had just been given a little clarity after those reality checks (and feelings of not wanting to move forward) with those friends and my mentor (and that I Ching reading!). With that clarity, I was going back to the ranch for a meeting midday so I could share with the owners some of the feedback (both negative and positive) that I had received. The muddy path dream had shaken me a little, but I kept going back to trying to let go of the fears of not knowing all the answers. We had a very frank and positive meeting and I walked away not having answers, but feeling a little lighter with the knowledge we MAY have found a solution about how to move forward. 

Then that night, I was letting go a bit with my husband and a song came on to which I went almost immediately into a seated meditation (There’s a line that’s repeated in the song that’s beautiful: “She’s like the wind” sung by a dreamy female voice”). It was lovely and I was swaying a bit to the music and completely in the moment when suddenly I was looking down again as if back in the dream I had that morning. But this time, although it was still my bare shins and feet I was looking down at, the path was green and lush and beautiful. It was lined on the sides with green plants and reeds. It felt so good to be moving forward on that path and so I started shifting my gaze up. As I did I heard birds singing and then they were in my line of sight swooping and flying and there were butterflies and dragonflies. And I felt light and free and happy and went into a full-on (maybe transcendental?) meditation. When I opened my eyes, a voice came into my head that said “The path made clear.” Pretty astounding. 

In the past year I’ve had a handful of these types of experiences and feel like I can start to share them because they seem to be leading me on this path of surrender. Because of the inspiration I received from reading “The Surrender Experiment” I’ve let myself open up to what might bubble up even though I’m scared and unsure. But every time I let go and work through my fears things do bubble up and I have more of these inklings and visions and guidance and then that turns into a tangible opportunity - like this path to River Highlands Ranch. It’s not something I was looking for. It kind of just came to me. It’s a bite my mind was not ready to chew, but it seems to be a movement beyond me and every time I’m ready to throw in the towel, something comes up that keeps me going.

The “path made clear” meditation visual didn’t magically make the path clear. But it made me feel like I am somehow on the right path and being guided and the more I listen to what’s deep inside, call it God, call it consciousness, call it soul, the more I’m led to who I am at my core.

So there I was once again, despite the dream and vision on Saturday, feeling my doubts and fears creeping in Tuesday before going to this important meeting about the ranch. I’ve been staying at the ranch during the week to stay connected and to focus on the tasks at hand. It was early morning and I went outside the barn and saw the sun on the stage that has hosted hundreds of weddings, musical talents, memorials and mostly was the manifestation of the incredibly talented, creative and gifted woman who bought this property twenty years ago to realize her own vision of a healing retreat center. I walked over and set up my yoga mat. I sat and drank some coffee feeling a little lost and miserable. And then I was inspired to do a vinyasa flow with sun salutations. I haven’t been inspired to do full-on yoga in a long time. I stood up and began. And I flowed and I flowed and I felt the sun and I heard the birds and when I went into my warrior II position I looked out at this gorgeous ranch and the Monty Python line from “The Holy Grail” popped into my head (one of my husband’s favorite scenes): There is a king and his son standing at a large window in their castle. The window has ornate window treatments (for the time period!) and they are looking out over their lands. The king says “One day lad, this will all be yours” and the son responds: “What, the curtains?”. 

I burst out laughing. I looked out at the rolling hills and oaks on this beautiful property that has somehow dropped into my lap and I looked toward the wetlands. And although I knew it wasn’t an ego thing that popped that line in my head because it’s my intention that some day this will all be “The Healing Farm” land and not “mine, all mine”, it did make me realize I’m not seeing the forest through the trees. I’m not seeing the land and opportunity beyond the curtains. All these blocks and fears I’m letting sit right in front of my eyes and I’m not looking beyond them at the beautiful gift that has been presented.

I’m not sure how many times I must be told to look beyond myself to realize my potential, but here I was standing on a gorgeous property that could one day, quite miraculously become The Healing Farm flagship property at River Highlands Ranch. I stepped off that stage with a confidence that I haven’t felt in a long time. I turned on my phone and there was a text from my oldest and dearest friend from high school who despite our similar upbringing has taken way more risk in life than I have. She’s gotten judged for it (even by me) over the years, but she’s always, always walked out ahead, never wavering from the free spirit she’s always been. I asked if she could talk and we called each other immediately. I told her everything that was going down and she was the perfect person to talk to at that very moment. We hadn’t talked in a few months (neither one of us are phone chatters) and the last time I saw her was the weekend her father died so I didn’t tell her about this opportunity that had popped up. There she was coming out of weeks unplugged on a sailboat in the San Juan islands and reaching out to me. My oldest friend who has always seen more in me than I’ve ever let myself see. Another thing that was seemingly perfectly timed.

Last Tuesday, I walked into that scary meeting helping to present a plan to try to save this property from being sold to developers so that myself and the owners could begin again the process of honoring this land as a healing oasis full of Native American history, healing wetlands, nature, life and celebration. 

The path is still not 100% clear, but knowing how good it felt in the meditation when the path was truly made clear has given me the freedom and energy to trust myself and this process I’m going through. Whether it leads me to The Healing Farm at River Highlands Ranch or on a completely different trajectory, I’m ok with it. I can now see through the curtains to the gorgeous land beyond and even if it isn’t the literal land I was standing on, it will be my forest through the trees. It will be my inner calling. 

During this process of discovery, I’m sure there will be some who say I have lost my mind. It reminds me of when Oprah (who BTW I’ve only just started listening to in the last year) was interviewing Ekhart Tolle. He was talking about his spiritual awakening and his history with his mother and Oprah said “your mom must have thought you lost your mind” and then Oprah added, “well, you DID lose you mind!”. Meaning, he stopped listening to that incessant voice inside his head that was full of doubt and fears built up from childhood. Once he released all that, he was free to become who he is today. Someone who, I believe, is helping to change the world. 

I’ve had a vision for a healing retreat center called The Healing Farm for a long time now and as much as I sometimes want it to go away because it’s a more challenging path than I could have ever imagined, it keeps bubbling up pushing me forward and more deeply into getting past those trees. I hope someday to be helping others heal their bodies so they have the energy to heal their souls. It’s what I believe this country needs and what this world needs right now. 

I hope you’ll help me in any small way to realize the dream of The Healing Farm so together we can Cultivate Practical Wellness. Stay tuned to the continuous roller coaster that may be the path to The Healing Farm at River Highlands Ranch!

And by the way, never believe me when I say I won’t write too much! It’s who I am!

From the Sounds of Silence to Perpetual Motion

Just a few snaps since the beginning of the year...

And it’s time to write. And write. And write. This is a long one for a lot has happened in the last five months...

I’m sitting at a writer’s retreat house in the Eastern Sierras right now and finally putting “pen to paper” after a few long and transformative months. A couple months back, I was invited to stay here to photograph for the retreat’s marketing materials. Even after making a huge life decision to move out of the Bay Area and with the move scheduled for a couple of weeks from now, I decided it was important for Brennan and I to go on this little trip. Given our ten year wedding anniversary is June 3rd and we'll be unpacking and living in a trailer for our anniversary, we also decided to celebrate our ten years together here in this spectacular place. I also went forward with a previously planned trip to Mercey Hot Springs with friends (and a couple of blissful days alone with Brennan). What I’ve discovered in the last few months has been life-changing and I want it to be a part of what’s taught at The Healing Farm and The Healing Farm | Retreats in addition to the nutrition and exercise components.

Something I’ve learned through meditation (and lots of self-exploration) is to not let my emotions and ego rule my life and decision-making and to also go a little more with the flow rather than letting situations, planning and fear rule my life and schedule; something my new “boss” echoed when I was racing around trying to make a big decision and freaking out a bit a few weeks ago. Made me feel like where I was headed was in the right direction (thanks, Steven).

My “boss” you ask? For someone who’s been self-employed and has started two businesses, this is pretty freaky to say! So let me explain what has happened since my last heart-wrenching blog entry!

THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE

My 50th year ended with some major challenges (see my previous blog post for more details). I was writing a business plan for The Healing Farm and had planned for a big women’s retreat to keep the business moving in a direction which would give me more experience and more visibility for The Healing Farm | Retreats. I was keeping my head above water until Mayacamas Ranch (the retreat property at which I was to hold my last retreat) burned down. It was three weeks before my 51st birthday, the end of the wedding photography season and I was in the intense Renaissance business plan writing program twice a week. Try finishing a business plan while trying to resuscitate the women’s retreat and also go away for the holidays. Not an easy end to the year.

2018 rolled in with the month of January:

• Making the decision not to move forward with rescheduling the retreat since I couldn’t find a location that I truly felt could accommodate my specifications and having to let my retreat team and guests know of this decision
• Starting to try to work out the financial losses with Mayacamas Ranch (huge!)
• Finishing the business plan + graduation

Thankfully I had all of my photo projects behind me, I split the “best business plan” award at graduation and presumably had a “plan” for moving forward with The Healing Farm business - after all that’s what a business plan is for! I should have been rearing to go to start working toward making 2018 the year I took a leap of faith forward with The Healing Farm business! But one gorgeous Saturday, I went to a shoreline cleanup event with the Trident Project which is a non-profit a business friend started to build awareness about pollution in our oceans.

Something happened that morning as I realized the enormity of the planet’s peril. I spent an hour working on about a six square foot patch on the East Bay shoreline. Picking up tiny pieces of plastic, styrofoam, hypodermic needles, plastic straws, plastic portable flossing devices (I’m all for flossing, but let’s get rid of those things. They are EVERYWHERE), plastic caps, etc. This didn’t even include all the micro-fibers which is what my friend who is in the sailing clothing business wants to build awareness about. I had about a ¼ mile, maybe ½ mile walk to get back to my car and I couldn’t move beyond a snail’s pace. I got home and slept for two hours and when I woke up I just couldn’t get my energy back. And the next day was the same. And the next day was the same. I entered into what I might now call a depression and deep exhaustion. I was:

• Exhausted from running one business while starting another
• Exhausted emotionally from the devastating wildfires which even affected my business in a big way and so many others who lost lives and homes.
• Exhausted financially
• Exhausted worrying about the future of this planet
• Exhausted by our political climate and situation
• Exhausted from writing a 45 page business plan complete with two years of financials (something is is not in my natural tool house)
• Exhausted trying to change my life
• Exhausted from perimenopause
• Exhausted from my mid-life crisis which is in about year 7 (yes, really!)
• Exhausted worrying about family illness

I just couldn’t get motivated. So I didn’t. I decided to let myself rest as long as I needed. I guess you could say I took a sabbatical. I’m sure to most people this sounds like a luxury and I admit I’m lucky to be self-employed. It was a huge financial risk and setback, but I strongly believe this kind of time of reflection should be available to all of us. It’s a crime that our workforce encourages long hours and constant work and it’s a disservice to all Americans that the majority are underpaid and overworked with only 1-3 weeks of vacation for the typical person. I’ve thought about a lot of big issues during this time of reflection and sabbatical and feel strongly that it shouldn’t be a luxury for just a few.

So this is what I did:

• I slept as long as I liked
• I took the time to pray on my knees
• I took the time for longer meditations
• I took the time to not only read Jett Psaris’ book “Hidden Blessings” (about midlife crisis), but also to do every exercise in the book and wrote them down in a journal
• I took the time to hike
• I only answered essential emails to keep my businesses running on pilot light
• But mostly, I just took time to be with myself, in my house and let my mind run free

And here's what happened from my time of silence:

INTO (almost) PERPETUAL MOTION

I found the time to help care for a dying friend and her children - something that has had a profound effect on my life. I had the honor of taking her to Ocean Beach for what turned out to be her last time.

I was re-contacted by a friend who in the spring of 2017 asked if I would be interested in helping to develop a 50 acre organic farm in the Sierra Foothills.

Just as I was finishing the “Hidden Blessings” book, I was contacted by a woman who was interested in talking about partnering on a retreat property in Idaho. It wasn’t the right fit/place or timing, but she sent me a message the week I finished Jett’s book. Knowing I was wrestling with some big decisions and emotions, there was a new moon that coming Friday and with a new moon (she told me) it’s a good time to contemplate big decisions so she suggested I take some time that Friday to reflect on a big decision. Sounded a little woo woo to me and then I read one of the last exercises in Jett’s book which suggested a “meditation” in nature. More of a walking meditation. A time to go out into nature and connect in a profound way to the universe and myself. More woo woo, but I thought the coincidence was just too big. Friday came and I announced to Brennan that I was going to pack a small daypack and go to our local regional park and spend the day. I planned on hiking a three mile loop and brought food, a little pot vape pipe (yes, it’s legal now in CA!) a blanket and a backpacking chair and I had the most blissful day of reflection I’ve ever had. It took me seven hours to do that loop. I stopped and communed with nature. I felt the sun on my face. I laughed and I cried. I slept and I hiked. I had a vision of wanting more security in my life and that I wanted to be cared for and then I realized I’m cared for in an incredibly deep emotional way by my husband which matters the most (to me). I realized that although I knew we needed to move out of the Bay Area I wasn’t interested in moving outside of my beloved West Coast (unless it’s back to the Midwest with my family) and I realized I still wanted to pursue The Healing Farm, but that maybe I needed to take a different path to get there. That few hours of bliss lifted me out of that depression and malaise just enough that I could see the point of light and plan the next tiny steps to get fully beyond that dark place. The pot helped too.

And then more and more profound things started to happen.

I opened my mind up to exploring the offer in the Sierra Foothills further and took baby steps to take a realistic look at what it would be like to move and the opportunity the experience offered to help develop a small retreat property on an organic farm. Wasn’t that what I wanted The Healing Farm to be on a larger scale anyway? Brennan and I went for a night. Then we went for a whole week, then I typed up a proposal and went back a couple more times on my own and slowly it started to occur to me that it was the absolute right next step to take. I could spearhead a retreat property development at very low risk to myself and at the same time take a baby step out of the Bay Area which allows me to finish out my 2018 wedding photography season and still see my friends and family in the Bay Area which made the idea of a move not so heart-wrenching. And so it happened and we started making plans for a move at the end of May. I started working part-time for the farm a few weeks ago and love every minute of it. Every time I go to the farm for a night, I don’t want to leave. The air is clear. I can collect fresh eggs from the henhouse. I can eat all the organic produce I can get my hands on. I can envision a retreat property and hosting my own healing retreats once it’s finished (or rustic retreats while it’s in development). I can live with a little community of people who care about the land and what we eat and how to live their lives mindfully. If I hadn’t given myself that time to relax and reflect, I’m not sure I would have been ready to take such a big leap and despite the fact that we’re going to move into a 26’ trailer and will have to walk outside to get to a shower and a toilet, I’m learning to embrace living so minimally for a little while. We’ll have nature and an organic farm, two mountain rivers and three warm and sunny seasons to live outdoors. It’s going to be a challenge. For sure. BUT I’ve built up my energy reserves in the last few months and am truly ready to jump in and give this next step my all. Check out Stone’s Throw Farm CA. This will be my new home.

Embracing what came my way without fear and without judgement on myself for making what seemed to be extravagant decisions given my work and financial situation was also part of this time of reflection. After I had my “visionquest” day as I’m now calling it, situations that just seemed right started to come my way and I started embracing what felt right despite that I was feeling a little fearful:

I serendipitously realized that Jett Psaris, the author of that profound book on midlife crisis that I can’t shut up about was doing a workshop at Esalen Institute. I’d been wanting to go to Esalen for many years since it’s been an inspiration for The Healing Farm and I’ve never been! I tried to get a “sleeping bag” space, but they were sold out, so I booked a shared room and contacted a friend and Healing Farm client who I know also got a lot out of the “Hidden Blessings” book. She had recently moved to the East Coast, but she happened to be coming to the Bay Area for some meetings and we roomed together. It was a great experience. I fell in love with Esalen and really loved the workshop and listening to others who were also trying to change their lives in their midlife transition, plus I got to bond with this very special woman who was my roommate and who made some of her own big decisions that weekend. A new deep friendship (thanks, Rae!)!

I had also been wanting to experience 1440 Mutiversity - the new retreat center development in the Santa Cruz mountains. My fave publication “Conscious Company” was holding a “World Changing Women’s Summit” there and damnit! I really want to be a World Changing Woman. I couldn’t really afford it, so I reached out to see if there was a volunteer opportunity or a scholarship (something I never would have thought to do in the past since I would have thought I wasn’t worthy). We worked it out and I was so on fire and inspired by the women at this conference that it also turned out to be somewhat of a life-changing experience. I stayed at the last minute on property in one of the “bunk bed” rooms. Although 1440 is NOTHING like I envision for The Healing Farm property, it was good to get a feel for a large and new property, their programs, their food AND their accommodations.

Brennan and I have been rocking our house as we get closer to moving. We’ve loved living in our little neighborhood and house in Oakland and although I’m sad to leave, I realized I’m ready for this big shift. We’ve made the time to enjoy our last couple of months and I’ve become inspired by a whole new side of myself and my relationship which I’ve been hinting at for several months. Sex is a big part of my life and relationship and I’ve realized how important release is and I have ideas percolating for sharing this side of myself and my relationship as a future part of the retreat business so stay tuned!

I’ve made time to book some weddings, shoot and deliver some gorgeous photos to happy clients, write a mini-business plan (and had fun doing it) for Stone’s Throw Farm’s event arm of the business. I’ve held the hand of someone within the last week of her life, who was younger than me and had so much more of her life to live and have been further inspired to build The Healing Farm to try to prevent so many deaths of those far too young. I happened to be driving up to Mt. Shasta to photograph a small retreat property  (Hestia Magic  - my photos not up yet!) on the day of my friend’s death and I felt like I was channelling her spirit as I sang and cried and then I realized she had just climbed Mt. Shasta two years ago for breast cancer awareness. More seemingly perfect timing. Brennan and I made time for that little trip to Mercey Hot Springs and this current trip to the Eastern Sierras.

I feel like my wings are opening up and I’m finally embracing who I am at my core. I don’t know where this current road will take me, but am pretty sure it’s a leap of faith on the right path for who I am. Taking the time to let myself feel exhausted and depressed ultimately has helped me work to the next level of my journey and I’m slowly getting my energy back and more and more excited about the work ahead.

I visited a friend from my very first business class yesterday. In the second class of the program, she and I met a few times to be part of each other’s business start-up support system. She was tired of the rat race of the Bay Area and wanted to get out of the construction business which is something she’d always done just because it was just what she ended up doing, but she wanted something more. She wanted to follow a dream of opening up a coffee shop. Fast forward three years and I drank the most lovely cup of coffee you’ll get on this side of the Sierras at her Pupfish Cafe coffee shop in Bishop, CA. She took a huge leap of faith and left the Bay Area and a relationship to follow her dream in a place where she never imagined she would live. She looked happy and relaxed. She’s running her small coffee shop, laughed at the fact that she’s living in a trailer community with mostly retired people (we compared notes about our trailers), hikes and has developed friendships out here. I asked her how much she works and she said 50 hours a week (not bad for owning and running a business). I asked her if she likes it and she said it’s the best thing she’s ever done. She was proud of her offerings and her employees and for now is content with where she’s at.

Janette and Pupfish Cafe, Steven and Bryanna and the folks at Stone’s Throw Farm, Jett Psaris and the awesome women at the Conscious Company Women’s Summit, Sydney of Ocean’s SF, Belinda and Hestia Magic, all of my friends and family who have been supportive of my crazy dream, the brave souls who wrote business plans last fall taking two classes per week while working full time, brave Jill who fought so hard to fight her cancer but said she was “ready to leave her body” a few days before she died, the woman in Idaho who is trying to follow her dream, and the people who continue to reach out to me to ask when I’m going to host my next retreat or “where is The Healing Farm property”, I say this: Thank you. Continue to follow your dreams. Find out who you really are. Let go of fear and influence and just be. Maybe, just maybe you’ll find your way, get your energy back and have a more hopeful outlook for your life and your very short time on this beautiful planet. My biggest hope is that everything that I do in the next few years will lead to The Healing Farm property where I can share my dreams and life with you.

Reach for the stars because we are (as Carl Sagan says) all made of star stuff.

On month five and two weeks out from a major move and feeling incredibly creative and beautiful. I should listen to myself more often.....

Wild Willy's Hot Springs in the Eastern Sierra - taken the week I wrote this post and yes, I'm naked and covered in mud. LIVE A LITTLE!

The Best-Laid Plans of Mice and Men: How to pick up the pieces and move on...

One small sign of hope on the charred Mayacamas Ranch property

“The best-laid plans of mice and men….”

We’ve all heard that saying. Even if you give something your all and feel you have all the pieces in place to prevent failure, major challenge or an unwanted outcome, circumstances even beyond your control can cause your plan to go awry. This happened recently with The 3rd Act Women’s Retreat scheduled for October 29th - November 2nd.

The fantastic speakers and practitioners were in place. We had women coming from the Bay Area, Maine, New Jersey and the Midwest. We had the perfect retreat property booked and ready to make us our specific elimination diet meal plan and we had hopes for relaxation, growth, learning and meeting new friends. Within the first day of the devastating California wildfires our much-loved Mayacamas Ranch burned to the ground and all was lost for the owners and their 12 employees. Jobs, their gorgeous property and even homes. And for The Healing Farm Retreats and all the other retreat leaders and retreat participants, we lost a very special property that was unique in so many ways. As stated on the Mayacamas website and in their fundraising campaign:

“It is my deep belief that something beautiful will emerge from this devastation.”

It is my own hope that the owners of the property have it in them to rebuild and I hope to hold retreats at the property in the future, but in the meantime I had to make the decision to relocate or postpone the retreat.

As the week went on and the wildfires continued to destroy acres and acres of land, wineries and properties at which I had photographed so many weddings over the years and as the death toll continued to rise, I was frantically trying to find another location at which to hold the retreat. I was tired, I was heartbroken and I was fearing for more and more loss as the fires burned. I finally had to come to the conclusion that it was best to reschedule the retreat and started going about notifying guests and team members and trying to contact the devastated staff of Mayacamas to figure out the financial end of the loss for my own business (at least in the short term). I am so grateful that I have developed the skills through my own growth process in the past few years to “roll with the punches” as another well-known saying goes. That hasn’t been easy in the last two weeks, but here’s what I continue to do to calm myself in trying times:

Meditation and Prayer

Just 10-20 minutes a day is life-changing. You can really teach your mind to view your worry, obsessive thoughts and sorrow as fleeting and to see this life as existing in a much bigger place than all of us. This situation was not as devastating to me as to so many others, but compounded with running two businesses, staying in touch with my marriage and going to a business plan writing class two nights a week it was hard and continuing to do the meditation practice almost every morning really gave me a sense of calm and understanding that life is so much greater than myself. There are two books that I always recommend. Both of which have helped me understand meditation practice:

•  The Miracle of Mindfulness (thanks, Annie!)
• The Untethered Soul (thanks, Suzanne!)

Regular Exercise - Oh that Seven Minute Workout!

I’ve mentioned it countless times, but it’s because I believe in it so much. The New York Times Seven Minute workout is essential to my well-being. If I don’t workout (and meditate) in the morning the day gets away from me and it doesn’t get done and then I feel down. When I do the workout, it lifts spirits and energy levels like nothing else. When it’s hard for me to get out of bed because I’m down and I really don’t want to workout, I do my other routines (meditation and prayer, coffee and email/news and making the bed) and then it’s hard for me to justify blowing off a workout that takes seven minutes! Once I do it, I’m usually motivated enough to add-on my equal-length stretching routine derived from years of yoga. I’ve added another seven minute workout to alternate with the NYT workout too. For women over 40, keeping up your muscle mass is key to weight management and bone health, so I now alternate days and added a Pop Sugar seven minute hand weight routine (thanks for the tip Christina of Nightingale Photo!). Between these two workouts, I feel toned and healthy and it really doesn’t take long. Plus it’s a GREAT stress-reliever. Especially if you put on DJ Dan in the background!

Healthy Diet, Low or No Alcohol and Great Sex!

The past few months I’ve gone back to an elimination diet meal plan (first learned with Chris Kresser's "A Paleo Cure Book")  pretty much full time until I relieve some chronic conditions that have popped back up. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol, carbs, grains, dairy or sugar in about ten weeks. I’ve dropped 25 pounds and am looking and feeling great. If I had gone through this major challenge at the weight I was at, feeling bloated and belchy and tired and drinking too much wine on top of it, I might not have gotten out of bed while the California wildfires raged. Even though food and alcohol can be soothing when you’re feeling down or stressed and offers some immediate relief, give it a little time and you’re going to actually feel worse. We all know this, yet we continue to repeat these old patterns of comfort. Teaching yourself newer, healthier patterns of comfort (like mindfulness meditation) can really help you in a more positive way when you’re dealing with stress.

And then there’s sex. Glorious sex. Or maybe I should just say “orgasm” because not all of us have partners! There’s nothing like a relaxing evening (or afternoon) at home in bed (or wherever) and a mind-blowing orgasm to relax you and to bring you back to who you are at the core. We are sexual beings. Sex can be the best of mindful meditation. It can take you to a place of pure being like nothing else. Sex with a trusted partner with whom you have a deep connection also makes you feel secure and loved. No matter what happens in your life you can always be reminded that you are who you are at your core, the people you love the most will be with you in hard times and we all pretty much have the ability as human beings to feel this great pleasure and connection to others. It’s really darned important in my book and I feel fortunate that I have grown to not be insecure or afraid or guilty about being a sexual human being and hope to one day lead a Healing Farm retreat about this very important topic. Plus it’s fun!

Does going from devastation to talking about sex seem like crazy talk? I hope not. I hope you can see the connected dots.

I did leave one very important tip out of the above list because I truly haven’t found the time in the past two weeks (except sitting in my own backyard and riding my bike to the farmer's market) so here’s one that may be the most important of all:

Getting out in Nature

This can wrap all of the above into one really lovely gift. All can be done in nature (although the sex part is a little tricky - you may need a tent).

“One touch of nature makes the whole world kin” - William Shakespeare

We are all one interconnected organism on this planet and in this universe. Carl Sagan once said we are all made of starstuff and it’s true. Every part of nature is one big mixed and interconnected bunch of elements and when we go into nature we can see the awe of creation and our part in it right in front of us. Getting out into fresh air, taking a hike, camping, looking at the stars can really make us see the awesomeness of the universe and help us to understand our miniscule place in it and suddenly worries can lift and drift away.

Meditate, pray, exercise, eat what nature and human hands provide (whole foods!) and have a kick-ass orgasm all in nature and see how you feel. For those who have lost homes and loved-ones none of this will help in the short term, but keeping at it and chipping away at all of life’s difficulties and tragedies as they come our way (because they will always continue to do so) and learning how to practically deal with our challenges and emotions will help so much in the long run.

In the meantime, grieve if you need to, volunteer if you can, give money if you’re able, but most of all take care of yourself and learn what makes YOU accept and move through your own challenges more gracefully and with hope.

Snow in July, First Mountains, First Waterfalls, First Mountain River Swims: Taking Time off and Showing Kids the Wonder of Nature!

I love my midwestern family and I love nature and California and when I can put the three together, it's pure joy for me. Seeing that joy reflected on my nephew's faces as I showed them their first real mountains, their first waterfalls, their first swims in icy snowmelt rivers and their first glimpse of an ocean was a dream I've had since moving to California from Chicago 15 years ago. 

I speak often about the importance of time off, but I'm not sure I've spoken much about the importance of family to me. My family is everything. I have five siblings, eleven nieces and nephews and two parents who have taught us the importance of family and loyalty all of our lives. I also have an amazing husband who truly loves me for who I am and his family too! I consider myself lucky every day and as part of my gratitude practice, I'm thankful for all of their general health and longevity and our close relationships.

Helping my family understand why I moved to California and never came back is not easy to explain in words, but when they eventually come and visit I can take them to some of the glorious places that I love and show them with eyes and ears. Getting out in nature is the best thing we can do for our souls and with The Healing Farm it's something I want to share with all.

In California we preach to the choir. Most people in California hike or surf or camp or at least go to the beach sometimes to watch the sunset over the biggest ocean in the world (something I looked up with my nephews when I realized they had never seen an ocean before), but there are a lot of people in the country (maybe our president!) who aren't in nature much and are missing out on how it can help heal us at all levels. It also teaches us how tiny we are in the grand scheme of things. That's been an important factor for me in my midlife journey as I've learned to let go of a lot of stress just by considering that I can't control a lot of what's going on in this crazy world. I also have learned let go of needless worrying. If I can't control it or change it what's the point in getting stressed? All of this becomes more and more clear when I'm on a hike or at the ocean or am jumping into a cold mountain river.

Family, time off, being in nature are the precious things in life that we all need to make time for. I'm proud of my nephews for trying so much while they were out here (including surfing and boogie-boarding!). On the last night they were in town we ordered food in and had a pajama dance party in my living room with my husband as D.J. Being the young ones they are they ended up saying that was their favorite part of their trip. I understood though because it was yet another glimpse of their unadulterated joy. I saw it on their faces when they were dipping their toes in the Wa Ka Luu Hep Yoo river, I saw it when they saw snow on Ebbett's Pass, I saw it when they were rafting down the Merced River in Yosemite Valley, when they did their first true mountain hike to Cascade Falls in Tahoe and when they successfully rode the waves on the Pacific Ocean in Santa Cruz. The awesomeness of nature and dancing with abandon to music created by humans after challenges you've never experienced before are equal in mindfulness meditation. It's a glimpse of how connected we all are with each other and nature.

Take a break. Dance in your living room, dance in nature. Show some kids nature like they have never seen it before and watch your own spirit fly!

3rd Act Guest Blog Post: Find Out More of What We'll Cover in the 3rd Act Retreat This Fall!

I’ve been a professional photographer for 25+ years and photographing weddings for 15 – it’s a demanding job! Everyone assumes it’s all joy, gorgeous venues, flowers, and food. And it is most of the time, but photographing a wedding is not only stressful emotionally (I can’t miss a beat or a moment!), but it’s also incredibly physically demanding. Standing and running around with pounds of equipment strapped to my body for an average of eight hours on top of the mental stress has taken its toll. Plus, hours in front of a computer in a dark room has never been very joyful for someone who loves light, air, and the outdoors.

I’ve been working on transitioning into a new career for the past 4-5 years and it’s been a challenge like no other in my life. Adding mid-life crisis, peri-menopause, aging parents, and the financial burden of my husband and I both exploring new careers at the same time? Well, that’s a whole different level of challenge!

I knew I had to be ready both mentally and physically for this transition into a new life and career and that’s how the seeds of The Healing Farm idea popped into my head. For 4-5 years, I’ve been working on healing my body from the inside out, plus building The Healing Farm | Retreat business into a new career to pursue work I am passionate about for the next 20 or so years of my work life. It’s also my retirement plan (I want to live on The Healing Farm property eventually!). The seeds I started planting a few years ago are finally starting to take root and now, I want to help others prepare for the longer lives we are now living – and look forward to healthy and happy lives.

A friend of mine introduced me to Patricia Cavanaugh, founder of “The 3rd Act” and after a two-time THF retreat participant suggested I create a retreat specifically for women who are experiencing this mid-life and pre/post retirement transition, I figured these two things dovetailed beautifully into a new retreat idea. Serendipity!

I am thrilled to welcome the Third Act to our retreat at Mayacamas Ranch, scheduled for October 29th through November 2nd (my 51st birthday!). Click here for more details about the retreat, but I had a chance to interview Patricia her colleague, Ellie Klevins – who will lead the workshop and here’s what they had to say about their workshop for our retreat:

So, what is the 3rd Act?

Our work guides people (typically age 50+) to develop intentional plans for creating happy and fulfilling lives – and take full advantage of our years ahead. Living longer than previous generations, is both a challenge and an opportunity.  We need to shed old paradigms of aging, find inspiring role models, and learn new skills so we can “begin again.” Our clients are people who are approaching typical retirement age – and know they don’t want a typical retirement!

What are the outcomes participants can expect?
Realizing you are not alone in facing down the aging process. We share many of the same fears and we avoid thinking about what’s uncomfortable for us. Together we uncover those fears and identify ways to take control now.  Denying and pushing away fear takes so much energy – we free up that energy and focus it on what you can do NOW to take control.  Like healthy eating! Exercise!  And having and inspiring plan for the rest of your life!
The principles of Positive Psychology are the foundation for 3rd Act life planning.

We ask and help you answer these fundamental questions:

• What are your skills and strengths –– and how could you  use these strengths in creating your 3rd Act?

• What do you want to leave behind – and what do you want to bring forward as you transition?

• How can you find fulfillment in life’s everyday pleasures?

• Where will you find new meaning and purpose ?

• What choices do you have now that were not available to you before?

• How can you build community, make new friends, deepen your relationships?

“And to borrow a line from Mary Oliver, explore your answers to this question: “What do you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

I hope you can join us this fall for this comprehensive retreat. I know I have a lot to learn and am particularly looking forward to the finance portion given by our other speaker, Catie Fitzgerald (look for an upcoming guest post from Catie!). The work I’ve done in the past 4-5 years has begun to change my life in profound ways and my hope is that this retreat can help you to change the course of the rest of your life too. It’s a journey that’s challenging, but challenging like a good workout that you weren’t looking forward to. Once you get going, you get into the groove and feel so good and empowered when you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

The Healing Farm - Cultivating Practical Wellness! 

Opportunities Gained Oh So Briefly and Lost. Recognizing the Impermanence of our Fleeting Emotions.

My husband and I watched with fascination a couple of weeks ago the incredible rise and fall of Milo Yiannopoulos. If you were reading the news a few weeks ago, he's the sensationalist ultra-conservative writer/speaker who was supposed to speak at UC Berkeley only to be cancelled due to a peaceful protest by UC Berkeley students being disrupted by a few anarchists. It all created a hoopla (rightfully so) about free speech and open communication on campuses across the US, but took an ugly turn by our current president when he threatened to pull federal funding to the University. The result is that Mr. Yiannopoulos, who was hardly a household name before the controversy, catapulted to fame. Within days, he was getting major press and as a result, major speaking engagements. With fame (or a controversial figure) comes lots of people digging into the past. It's the nature of our current (and damaging) 24 hour news cycle. Within what may have been as little as 48 hours, Mr. Yiannopoulos' reputation came tumbling down from revelations of past controversial remarks. It was an amazingly quick rise and fall and it made my husband and I talk of what he must have been feeling throughout this brief, but highly emotional time. From what must have been an ultimate high of becoming so famous and sought out to everything crashing down, to what must have been an ultimate emotional low in his life (he lost his speaking engagements, his book deal AND his job within 24 hours).

Why am I bringing this up? As I read more about meditation to try to understand my OWN emotional highs and lows while growing this business, I'm trying to grasp the understanding that our emotions, although sometimes palpably and physically real to us, are really meaningless. If you come to understand that your core being and consciousness never fluctuates from before you are born to the minute you die (and maybe beyond with the transfer of energy) you begin to understand that it doesn't really make sense to dwell in your emotions - whether high or low. This is NOT easy.

The other day, I met with a property owner whom I’ve admired for years. She and her husband have built an incredible business and property in a rural location and are working hard to build the business into the ultimate lifestyle they want for their future. This is also my concept behind The Healing Farm property. It would be my home. It would be my family and it would be my plan for retirement.

When I met with the property owner we knew we wanted to discuss the possibility of holding a THF retreat on the property, but we also knew we were both open to other possible working relationships. It came to light that a position which would fit a lot of my skills was opening up and it dawned on me that it might be the perfect transition out of photography and into the retreat/property management business. For a little less than 24 hours we were bouncing back and forth with emails about the possibility of me taking on the job. I discussed it with Brennan (my husband) and he was game. I became more and more excited as the evening and the e-mails progressed. My emotional excitement became palpable. I woke up four times during the night both elated and panicked about the possibility of such great change and opportunity. The next morning, I think the emotions transferred more to self-doubt and panic. Could I really handle the job and was I really the right fit for them? I exchanged a few more detailed e-mails about the job description and setting up a second visit to the property and continued to grow more excited and more panicky. Then I got the devastating e-mail that I was not a good fit. It was gracious and kind and true and it plummeted me to depths of self-doubt and fear that I hadn't experienced since I ran my first multi-day retreat. I found all this out while care-taking a sick friend's kids and had to hold in my emotions until I got to my car. I cried all the way home. And then I cried some more when I told Brennan the news and I cried some more when I went to sleep and I cried some more when I woke up and some more when I brewed the coffee.

And then a funny thing happened. I usually make coffee-brewing time my morning meditation time so I went to meditate. I came out of meditation with the realization that what's done is done, I am who I am and if the job didn't work out then it probably wasn't a good fit. The property owners recognized and weighed the risks of my relative inexperience and my long-term commitment. I realized I should do the same. I still felt like crap and was exhausted from the emotion, but I remembered the meditation book "The Untethered Soul" talking about the problem we all have with dwelling on emotions that can come and go as fleetingly as any thought.

I think the strongest analogy I read in the book was this: Say you are dating someone and really, really starting to like them and then suddenly you don't hear from them for a few days. They aren't answering or returning your calls. You start to panic. You start to wonder what you did wrong. You start to obsess about it and start beating yourself up about it (because it must have been something you did. Maybe you had bad breath, or said something dumb). This leads to feeling down about yourself which then leads to feeling borderline depressed and physically exhausted. Maybe even tears and loss of sleep. Suddenly this person calls and apologizes for being MIA. They had some good reason or another (family emergency?) for not being able to get back to you and they want to know if you're available to see them tonight because they really missed you and would love your company. You hang up the phone and suddenly your exhaustion is lifted and you're jumping up and down all over the living room.

How does our emotion change so quickly? Because everything is impermanent. Emotions ebb and flow at any whim, but if you learn to look deep enough into yourself and your consciousness, you can learn to tap into a part of you that never wavers. You are who you are. You are always there. Same as ever. Peaceful and calm very deep within and you can learn to tap into that at any time. This is what I realized I did when I meditated this morning. I have two lottery tickets sitting on the table and I guarantee if I had checked those tickets last night and found out I was a winner or if my husband told me he sold his screenplay or any other number of things that would have given me relief from the financial burden of starting a new company, my spirits would have lifted immediately. I needed to look deeper into what was causing my incredible emotional low and it was financial insecurity. But from what I've read through interviews with tons of entrepreneurs it’s that you have to be able to take risks. Both financial and emotional and recognize how much you are able to handle. If it's not for you. It's not for you. You are who you are. There will always be emotional highs and lows and you need to recognize them, acknowledge them and then let them go. If you can't, then you need to find a different path. You're on the wrong one!

Two additional things happened during this tumultuous 24 hours. Right before I went to bed the night of the tentative job offer, I picked up a book to read to try to make my flying high with emotion self try to relax a little. The book was recommended by a dear friend who is an amazing "doer" and entrepreneur. It's called "The Crossroads of Should and Must: Find and Follow Your Passion" by Elle Luna. I wouldn't be surprised if this book skyrocketed to the NYT best-seller list as the latest-greatest self-help book and with good reason. It's a fun read and well done. What I wanted to happen when I opened it up to read that night was that I would miraculously be on a page that somehow "told" me I was considering the right path with this job opportunity, but instead, this was the last paragraph on the page I opened to:

"But what you don't want is to take a job that was intended to pay the bills and suddenly, you don't have time to explore your passion, you're too tired to step into that which you were put on this earth to do. And if, for some awful reason, you forget that money is a game, a make-believe concept that some people invented, you could be led back into the complex layered world of Should. And here, the loss isn't a financial one. You are the cost. Is it worth it?"

Guess what I did when I read that? I quickly closed the book and put it to the side. It seemed to be a direct message that was the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear and then the next day unfolded in what was probably the absolute right way for my future as devastating as it was initially.

The second thing that happened was this morning after I meditated. I was still pretty down from the rejection but when I went to get my coffee, my laptop and phone, I suddenly starting to feel like the owners of the property had just done me a huge favor. I turned my phone on and a few text messages came up. One of them was from a daily affirmation service. I'm not really one for daily affirmations other than reading what's on my tea bag tabs while I wait for the water to boil, but a friend who knows how I struggle with the great changes I'm going through to switch careers and start a new business told me about it so I decided to give it a try. The message that was sent yesterday (the day of the big rejection) that I was too emotional and busy to read was this: "Craving acceptance is human, but the 'validation trap' can trip us up. You are not for everyone, Julie; find relief in that today".

If only I wasn't so wrapped up in my emotions to read that yesterday. I'm not sure it would have stopped the tears. Sometimes you just have to let them fly, but I'm glad I read it today. Today I went from waking up feeling like I never wanted to get up again, to writing this blog post and going swimming this afternoon (a skill I'm determined to learn during this 50th year of my life). I made a reservation at an airbnb outside of Anza Borrego Park for next week so I can see the desert wildflowers on my way down to my southern California photo shoots (something I've wanted to do ever since moving to CA).  While staying down there, I also plan on getting caught up on reading, exploring a deeper meditation practice, hiking long days and trying my hand at writing my memoirs which is another project for my 50th year. I was really looking forward to this time alone before considering taking the job that so suddenly came up and was planning on dropping it all to stay and start the job, but now I'm realizing it's something I need and want to do and it's something much more important to me than money or opportunity. It's a time I've set aside to continue to learn and grow and to reach deep inside myself to get more in touch with the me in me.

Yes, money is important to survive, but Brennan and I have learned to live on very little. Do I want to be more financially secure? Absolutely. But Brennan and I are both on such a great path of discovery that it may be worth the temporary insecurity. I’m willing to watch my emotional highs and lows from an increasingly detached position and place of deep peace and see what happens. Either the world will open up to us and help us navigate to our true callings or we'll end up "living in a van down by the river:" (SNL)... Really. I may be ok with either one!

How Can You Break the Glass Ceiling if You Don't Reach for the Stars?: Creating a "Manifestation" Board

Julie's Manifestation Board for Life and The Healing Farm

I was hiking recently when the title of this blog post came to me. I'm sure it's been said a hundred times (or maybe a thousand) by others way before I came up with it, but it struck me as profound. Especially for the midlife process I'm currently experiencing. 

As I was hiking I was thinking about the audacity of parts of my manifestation board. Here I was awed by nature on my hike and thinking of great things other's have done with their careers and lives in the past and I suddenly felt a wave of guilt and a sense of "who do I think I am?" go over me. I thought of some of the things I had put on my board including:

• "Gamechangers 500"
• "Corner Office" by Adam Bryant
• "Conscious Company"
• "Guru"

I mean, really. Who do I think I am? Sometimes I fantasize about being interviewed for the regular "Corner Office" interview in the Sunday New York Times. As the founder and CEO of The Healing Farm I would talk about inspiring others with average means and education to aspire to become extraordinary human beings and to reach for bigger dreams than you can imagine. When I read "Conscious Company" magazine, I can't help but think that if I realize my true dream of The Healing Farm, THF will most certainly be featured as a prime example of the "conscious company" of the future. A "For Benefit" company that invests back into itself, its team and its community championing fair business practices and acting as a model for the future of affordable and practical wellness around the country. An example of healthcare of the future! And of course, as The Healing Farm expands and THF outposts pop up throughout the country in places like appalachia, the deep south and middle America where we're not just preaching natural preventative wellness to the choir, but we're also providing employment opportunities to those communities most hurt by lost manufacturing jobs and the crippling effects of addiction (big breath and run-on sentence), how could it not make the "Gamechangers 500" list? Gamechangers 500 by the way is like a new kind of Fortune 500 list for companies that are NOT profit-driven. Companies that top this year's list: 

• Dr. Bronners
• Terracycle
• Impact Makers
• New Resource Bank
• Method Products
• Eileen Fisher
• Patagonia

I really want The Healing Farm to make this list as a leader in the future of sustainable, affordable and practical healthcare. 

WOW. As I said, pretty audacious. Especially for a midwestern girl of average (to below average) means with an education in fine art and a very average record of self employment!

But also on that manifestation board, I have included words like:

• Inspire
• For People and Planet
• Gratitude
• Confidence
• Together
• Thin

I feel like these words represent who I am already and who I strive to be on a more practical and short-term level. A little more modesty represented here.

The manifestation board came out of a group activity at the last Healing Farm retreat. I wanted to have an art meditation session on the retreat agenda because I was inspired by a guest at my last multi-day retreat who wanted to share her art meditation practice with others. I was inspired after the last retreat to create some art in nature so I wanted to share the practice with the guests at this new retreat. It was a few weeks before the retreat that someone mentioned doing a "manifestation board" and that within a year, two of the most important things on her board were coming to be (a husband and a child). It's now over two years since she completed her board and she said she has never been happier.

This inspired me to suggest that guests bring magazines to contribute during the art meditation just in case someone wanted to do one of these boards. I could not believe the excitement and turnout over this project. It was so inspiring to see my guests quietly going about searching for words and pictures that might represent what they envision for their lives in the future. What a perfect project at a women's health retreat that focussed on midlife transitions. I didn't have time to do a board of my own at the retreat since I was facilitating, but took a much needed week off at home after the retreat and on inauguration day 2017 after a long walk in my neighborhood I got out my materials and began. What I created was so personal and inspiring to me it was overwhelming. What a hopeful thing to do on a day I felt was a little scary for the future.

What is represented on the board is my hope for myself, my marriage and my husband but overwhelmingly my hopes for The Healing Farm. It's representative of something that I can't let go. No matter how scared I am. No matter my lack of confidence. My perceived lack of education and smarts. My lack of experience and financing. It's something that's burning inside of me. It's the passion, the healing, the realization and the "best self" that I've been working on bringing out and discovering for the past five years. It's the emerging butterfly represented. It's the eagle that is the future me. It's my hopes for my future, the future of wellness and the future of the world. It represents peace, growth, joy, connecting to better self, for people and planet, quality time and gratitude. It is my future.

It's audacious, but as I realized on my solo hike the other day: If I don't reach for the stars, how can I ever break that glass ceiling for myself and others? The day after I made my board I decided at the last minute to participate in the women's march in Oakland. I happened to have materials left over from the manifestation board project but had no idea what I wanted my first "activist" sign to read. I remembered that one phrase I had included on my board the day before was: "Women Can Transform the World". I changed it to "Women Will Transform the World". Added some peace signs, a heart, a smiley face and the colors of the chakras (something else I'm learning about recently) and off I went to march for women, for equality, for hope in the future and for peace.

I'm reaching for the stars in my midlife renaissance and I want to inspire others to do the same. I want to discover my true potential. I know it's there somewhere underneath all that fear and lack of confidence. It's slowly emerging. The butterfly is emerging and the eagle waits in the wings.

Photos are from: Demonstration day, hike that inspired the glass ceiling quote, manifestation board making at The Healing Farm retreat and some pics from the urban Oakland hike I did on inauguration day 2017 which was also the day I made my "manifestation board". I can't recommend this project enough.

You can also read about a THF retreat client's experience making her board at the retreat: 

The Healing Farm. Cultivating Practical Wellness.

"Let Your Heart Speak to Other's Hearts" | THF Women's Health Retreat

Thank You to All Involved in The Healing Farm's Women's Health Retreat!

"Let your heart speak to other's hearts." Found on a yogi tea bag, yes. But it's one I saved for a couple of years and had posted on my magnet board in my office. After the women's health retreat I truly found out what that meant to me in my quest to find myself and my new career journey. Obviously it spoke to me in my time of great change and I felt moved to to keep it. As I watched several women working diligently on their "manifestation" boards at the retreat and then thrilled at the results, I realized I wanted to do one too. I didn't get a chance to complete it (I barely started going through magazines when I had to run off to set something up for the next scheduled activity - or three!) so when I took my "staycation" the week after the retreat ended, I had a chance to work on this worthwhile exercise. The yogi tea bag quote finally found its place. So did the fortune cookie fortune that's been taped to my refrigerator door for a couple of years ("Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.").

What the incredible group of women at the retreat showed me is that I truly do want "my heart to speak to other's hearts". On day one of the retreat when I was introducing myself and the team, I mentioned that I am not a specialist. I'm a generalist. That some of the women at the retreat would surely know more than me about health and nutrition, but what's becoming increasingly clear is that I like bringing people together. I want to bring educators and practitioners together in a beautiful setting to teach natural health solutions participants can build into their everyday lives. I want to share the joy and healing journey in my heart with anyone who will join me and I realized that I could actually do that in this new career journey. I learned as much from the women at this retreat as they learned from the talented educators and practitioners I brought together in the beautiful place that is Mayacamas Ranch. So at long last, I want to share my absolute gratitude to the participants, the team and Mayacamas Ranch!

The Participants

Thirty beautiful women and five team members. I was blown away by the enthusiasm, sharing, encouragement, breakthroughs and loveliness of the group of women who came together for this retreat. We welcomed women of all ages even though the retreat was focussing on menopause and indeed we had a wide range of ages. My guess? Maybe from early 30s to early 70s. What a wealth of knowledge coming from these wise and wonderful women. Old friendships were deepened, new friendships were forged. We ate, we hiked, we laughed and we cried. We had mothers of young children who weren't even close to menopause but who wanted to sincerely learn how they could best prepare their bodies for big changes (or who just needed to rest with clean food, exercise, fresh air and a digital detox). We had mothers of young children who were getting close to menopause, we had women who had never had children, we had grandmothers. We had cross-generational inspiration, we learned together and we had fun! We were all already talking about the next retreat so I need to get one on the calendar!

If you want to read a participant's take on the retreat, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and emotion when I read Sarah Kay Hoffman's blog post. She wrote it the day after the retreat (even with THREE kids to tend to at home!). You can read it here:

Dr. Amy Nett, M.D., Functional Medicine Practitioner and One of the Smartest People I've Ever Met

Geez this woman knows her stuff. Of course I shouldn't have been surprised that one of Chris Kresser's staff clinicians at The California Center for Functional Medicine would be so knowledgeable. At last year's retreat we had the brilliant and passionate Chris Kresser himself as our keynote speaker and were all blown away by how knowledgeable his staff nutritionist Kelsey Kinney of "Healthy Gut, Healthy Life" was. How fortunate were we this time around to listen to two well-planned and informative lectures by Dr. Nett about what you can do to best prepare your body for menopause through nutrition and also about hormone balance. I wasn't surprised that Dr. Nett added several new patients to her calendar during and after the retreat! THANK YOU Dr. Nett!

Emily Boorstein: Life Coach and Creator of the "Inner Fitness" Program

Life Coach Emily Boorstein of the Inner Fitness Program

This was Emily's second time speaking at a THF retreat and there's a good reason for it. I recognized through my own journey through midlife that it wasn't just my body going through major changes. I felt like in addition to Dr. Nett's contributions about the physical aspect, we needed to also cover the emotional experience of midlife. Emily graciously covered life-lessons learned through motherhood for all the mothers in the audience, but all of those lessons learned early on through her own personal growth translated well into how to gracefully and solidly tackle the emotional roller coaster that is midlife and menopause. Every time I hear Coach Emily speak, I pick up little nuggets of information that later on end up applying to (pick one or all): a wake up in the middle of the night panic attack (something I never experienced before menopause), a stewing in the shower about something my husband said that made me mad, a sitting in traffic and wanting to flip someone off or even an emotional transition to a new president. My favorite tip from Emily that I use all the time in my life is how to not panic. If I feel some kind of emotional turmoil coming on and want to react, I can now reach into my "Coach Emily toolbox", step back and consider whether this is something that is going to end the world or if it's something I can truly tackle without false emotion. I will forever be grateful to Coach Emily for her support, enthusiasm and contributions. She helped me through my true midlife crisis when I realized I was never going to be a mother and she will always be in my heart for opening hers.

Amanda Crutcher: Yoga Instructor/Yoga Therapy/Meditator Extraordinaire

Amanda Crutcher knows anatomy and ohhhh how to work with those yoga therapy balls! She cares so deeply about her participant's safety and bodies. Probably because of her Iyengar yoga background, Amanda really focusses on the physical aspect of yoga making sure her participants understand the postures and the anatomy behind them. It's really good training - especially for beginners and to prevent injury. She also brought out yoga therapy balls at her last class. From a practicality standpoint, using the balls at home (safely) is great. It's like being able to give yourself a massage and is great for deeply loosening those knots. I learned this technique at Rancho La Puerta with tennis balls, but the various sized yoga therapy balls were even better. Amanda also graciously opened up her one hour twice daily meditation practice to all the attendees. This is where her deep spirituality came out. Her calm presence and grace surely comes from her deep meditation practice. Something I hope to explore with her in the future.

Diane Gibbs: Massage Therapy and Feldenkrais

This was Diane's second THF retreat as well. Her talented hands were in great demand. Who wouldn't want a glorious massage by well-trained hands while on a retreat? Diane ended up completely booking up, so I was thrilled to bring on my dear friend (and someone who has done massage on me countless times) Angela Bausch. Thanks so much to Angela for bringing her experienced hands to our retreat!

Diane also brought her love for and practice of Feldenkrais to this retreat. As at the last retreat, a lot of the participants had never heard of Feldenkrais, but most experienced beneficial effects through this gentle movement practice. 

Mayacamas Ranch!

Once again I can't thank the staff at Mayacamas Ranch enough. Miguel once again knocked the paleo ball out of the park with his cooking, the rest of the staff was warm and welcoming and the property - even in the wintertime - was as peaceful and beautiful as ever. Seeing the milky way in the clear winter night sky, the fog in the valley on our early morning hike, the steam coming off of the pond, hearing those funny frogs loud and clear every night when going to bed - and that cozy bed! You can't go wrong with Mayacamas Ranch as your home base for a retreat!

And Then There was Karma.....

Karma Moffit and his Tibetan Bowls

How do you top off what you know may be an enlightening weekend for your participants? I always say I don't want The Healing Farm to be too hippie dippy or new age and then I bring in a man named Karma. But, I've been going deeper into my own meditation practice as I move through this midlife of mine and all its changes and have been inspired by the crystal bowls meditations I've experienced at Rancho La Puerta. Since I was introducing various forms of meditation into this women's retreat I thought it might be nice to top off the last night with a crystal bowls meditation. My intention was to have Danielle Hall of Sound Embrace perform, but she ended up being unavailable. Through other contacts I found this man named "Karma" who plays tibetan bowls. He performs all over the world and had even performed at Grace Cathedral in San Francisco for a labyrinth meditation a few nights before the retreat. Now this is a man who has lived life and he didn't hesitate to tell us all about it. I love great characters who embrace life and whatever comes their way and although I might have been able to do without the high pitched conch shell blowing, it was great to be in a room surrounded by women I brought together, surrounded by deep vibrating sounds delivered by someone who has so obviously embraced life fully and taken the less-traveled path. Karma's heart truly speaks to other's hearts. I was so grateful he joined us to top off the retreat.

So what did I get out of The Healing Farm's Women's retreat? Hope and especially ENCOURAGEMENT for the future of The Healing Farm AND This Manifestation Board Illustrating my Hope for My Future and the Future of The Healing Farm.

I think it's no coincidence that this board came out of me on inauguration day, 2017. My hope is for a bright, inclusive and healthy future for all.

As many times as I've muttered "Namaste" at the end of a yoga class, I've never known what it meant and never bothered to take the time to look it up. Coach Emily taught us that one of the translations is "The light in me sees the light in you."  I feel like we all experienced this at the women's retreat. I certainly experienced sharing my heart and felt like my guests shared theirs with me. I think I'm ready now to take the next steps with The Healing Farm. It's still scary and I still have doubts but when a dear friend sends you a link to Sia's "The Greatest" when you express fear of the next step you listen to her heart speak to your heart and so it goes and so it goes. Let your own midlife be a midlife renaissance no matter how scary it might be. Moving beyond your fears and your comfort zone will help you breakthrough to be your "greatest". 

See you all at the next retreat! 

All of my love and heart - Julie

The Healing Farm - Cultivating Practical Wellness!

Gratitude Reduces Inflammation!???

We all have probably read something like this by now, but do we truly practice it? I read this yesterday in the New York Post:

"Emmons also has compiled a list of health data points from his and others’ studies on gratitude that show there are many emotional and physical health benefits of being consciously thankful. For example, practicing gratitude is related to 23 percent lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol and led to a 7 percent reduction in biomarkers of inflammation in patients with congestive heart failure. There are studies that suggest gratitude led to reductions in depression and blood pressure and improvement in sleep quality among those with chronic pain and insomnia. In one study, 88 percent of suicidal patients reported feeling less hopeless after writing a letter of gratitude." 

This is research done by Robert Emmons of the University of California at Davis and Michael McCullough of the University of Miami.

Practicing gratitude is scientifically proven to reduce inflammation and it feels so good so why don't we practice it regularly? I have actually naturally built a gratitude practice into my daily routine pretty easily and have been doing so for about a year. It started last fall when I was truly going through a hard time. When everything seemed to be falling apart and I was having trouble getting myself out of bed in the morning, I would look out the window behind my head and stare a little bit into the camellia tree that's right outside and first I would say thanks for the trees, then it moved into nature in general, then my family and friends and then the life that I've been given. Just this simple act would make me feel good enough that I would get myself out of bed and start my morning routine. Compared to millions of people on this earth, I've been given one of the best lives I could have been given and believe me, compared to some of the people I know I struggle with a lot of things despite this blessed life I've been given!

Although I still look out this same window almost daily and give thanks before I start the day, I've since also started building a gratitude practice into my meditation routine. I really only meditate ten minutes a day, but once I'm done with that ten minutes I continue with a breathing meditation that I read about in Kelly Brogan's book: "A Mind of your Own". First I do alternate nostril breath and then I switch to in and out breaths in my left nostril (which is supposed to create a sense of calm and peace) and on the in and out breaths I go through the very basics of what I'm grateful for in my life:

• The life I've been given, this earth I live on and the gorgeous mysterious universe
• My husband
• My parents
• My family
• My friends
• My talents and creativity

If you had told me a few years ago that I would have a regular practice of nostril breathing I would have looked at you like you had two heads, but a few years ago I wasn't taking the risks I'm taking now in my life to move forward with what I hope will be a more productive and meaningful path in my life. Its important to me to give this career change and The Healing Farm my best shot and I need all the help I can get to take the kinds of risks I'm taking and to put myself out there despite my fear and doubt. Practicing gratitude every day has been a great way to recognize what I already have in my life and all that I've achieved thus far (strong relationships with friends and family is more than I could have hoped for in my life and that's already achieved) and if practicing gratitude can also help reduce inflammation in my body? Well, then that's just the icing on the GF cake!

So THANK YOU to all of those who may be reading this and especially to all of my past retreat clients and upcoming retreat clients for helping me make my dream come true! If anyone has taken the time to read this, feel free to announce what you are grateful for in the comments section!

"Not too Hippie Dippy" but Offering Meditation and Yoga at the THF Retreats? Disconnect or Smart?

When I first started dreaming of The Healing Farm retreat property and wellness ranch concept I always said that I wanted to offer "tasteful and affordable" retreats. Not too high-end where they become unaffordable to most people, but I also wanted to build a property that is lovely and austere offering programs that aren't too "hippie dippy" and intimidating. I've been told that using the term "hippie dippy" might insult some people. It's kind of like referring to myself as being "efficient" because of the German in me. I can say it because I'm German! And I feel like I can poke fun of the hippie dippy culture because - well - I'm a little hippie dippy myself!

I've not been to Spirit Rock Meditation Center mostly because I've not had a meditation practice in the past (pretty good reason), but even as I've started dipping my toe into meditation, I figured I would be intimidated and not feel like I belong because I don't have a long history of meditation in my life or even at this point a deep and regular practice. But as I've moved in the past couple of years into starting this new business called The Healing Farm and The Healing Farm | Retreats, I've also been introduced to the challenges of midlife and peri-menopause. As I mentioned in my post about turing 50, this is not an easy time to be making big changes!

As I was approaching my last multi-day retreat; planning/facilitating, putting myself out there and doing something I've never done before, I was met with some great challenges. Two things happened during this time:

1) I had a photo assignment at Rancho La Puerta (I photograph there once a year or so for their marketing materials) and brought my cousin Annie as my guest. Annie has a regular meditation practice and while we were there I decided I should check out RLP's introduction to meditation. One of my fave instructors (JayDee!) was teaching that day and he taught me some very important lessons about meditation:

• That there will ALWAYS be thoughts moving in and out of your brain. It's constant, but what we're trying to do with meditation is learn to look at those thoughts in a detached way without judgement, without letting our emotions get in the way and simply observing them and then letting them go. This made me feel like I wasn't failing every time I've tried meditating in the past. It's normal to continue to have thoughts pass through your mind when you're meditating and that simply learning to let them go by returning to your breath (or chant or prayer or whatever you decide to use) is the key to living more in the present and not allowing your thoughts to consume you.
• He admitted straight away that he's a type A personality (and if you've ever met JayDee you could figure that out in an instant) and that if he can teach himself to meditate and to have a regular practice, just about anyone can! Although I'm not a type A personality (far from it) this also made me feel a bit less intimidated about the fact that I felt like I couldn't control the constant flow of thoughts in my head.
• He taught us tricks to bring your mind back into the present and to the breath. One of the practices that I still use regularly is counting to ten (repeating the number with both your in breath and your out breath). This practice helps me so much as my mind drifts to realize that maybe I'm at 11 and oh! that means my mind has drifted and I need to come back to my breath and my one through ten numbers).

2) At the end of our week together at Rancho La Puerta, Annie and I went to the "Oak Tree" space and meditated together for twenty minutes. It was such a lovely experience and such a nice way to end our week together. Annie then sent me a book that I have found incredibly helpful in teaching myself meditation: Thich Nhat Hanh's "The Miracle of Mindfulness" (an introduction to the practice of meditation). This book was key in starting my practice. Another book that has helped me get a little further into my practice is Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart".

I still consider myself a "beginner" in my practice since I really only meditate 10 minutes a day (15 if I add in my deep breathing practice) and usually only about four days a week. This is fine for me right now and even with that tiny bit of practice, very early on I realized that when I woke up during the night in a panic (this was a combination of peri-menopause and planning that first big retreat) I could calm myself down and soothe myself back into sleep by practicing my one to ten counting meditation. It was amazing to me how quickly this worked for me and I still do it every time I wake up in the night. Panic is not part of my nights anymore because I now know how to tame my thoughts, put them aside and not let them consume me.

So to celebrate the end of my wedding photography season, also a private (me only!) celebration of turing 50 AND as a start to visiting retreat centers as I dive into learning more about existing retreat centers and various programs out there, I decided to be brave and signed up for a one day women's retreat at Spirit Rock. It was called "Women, Wisdom and Meditation" and our leader was Grace Fisher. One of the first things Grace said to us was that she was attending a retreat at Spirit Rock last year and she felt a sense of not "belonging". She then told us that this was despite the fact that she has been teaching at Spirit Rock for 17 years! For someone who was at her first retreat at Spirit Rock and who was feeling like a little bit of a "meditation impostor" this shocked me but as I continued to listen to her talk, I realized that many women feel this sense of not belonging and thus we started our retreat day understanding that we all belong. As human beings living on this earth and in this universe we are ALL connected and we should ALL feel like we belong. 

I've recognized that meditation and prayer have been practiced for more than a couple of millennia for good reason. It calms us. It reminds us that there is something greater than all the thousands of thoughts that go through our heads constantly and that we really ARE all connected on this earth and in this universe. Meditation isn't just for the hippie dippie and prayer isn't just for the practicing religious. They both can be a great source of calm and comfort in lives that aren't perfect, that include lots of stress, emotion and difficult times. Therefore, I decided in planning this upcoming multi-day retreat that including meditation, both guided and long "sits" would be an important addition to the program. In navigating this midlife transition not only do we need to learn how to manage our physical self but we also need to learn how to manage our emotional self too.

In my next post, I'll be introducing the yoga instructor (Amanda Crutcher!) who will be joining us for the upcoming Women's Health Retreat which will feature lectures by Dr. Amy Nett, M.D. (one of Chris Kresser's first clinicians). Dr. Nett will teach us natural and functional medicine practices for navigating mid-life and menopause. We will also be hearing from Coach Emily Boorstein on navigating the emotional side (I just bought Emily's mother's book at Spirit Rock: "It's Easier Than You Think" by Sylvia Boorstein) and I will talk a little bit more in the next post about how we will build meditation into this retreat. I hope you will join us in January!